I first want to say that it has been a long time since I have been writing and a great deal has happened since October, but I will get there. God has been good to our little family of five to say the least. I have been on a journey of discovery both in my faith and as human being. That is such a funny word isn't it? As if human as something to do with being. I mean we don't look at a dog and say, " That is a dog being."
In January of 2013 my wife interviewed and landed an amazing job as the Family Life Director of First United Methodist Church in the beautiful small town of Port St. Joe, Florida. I was managing a small cell phone store with 5 employees and knew that my drive, day care, and enrolling in school online was going to take a huge toll on our family. I prayed and felt a release from where I was working and resigned, but to get hired by my wife as the new stay at home dad job I thought I always wanted! I will be the first to admit that I should have been fired from the job a long time ago. I am not a brilliant cook unless it is meat burning on a grill and we currently do not have one. The laundry piles up into what I would like to call cotton mountains and sometimes the dishes grow things I have never seen and deserve to burned rather than cleaned, but I digress. (please note I am joking.....ok not about the laundry)
What I have learned is that being a stay at home anything is INSANELY awesome and challenging, but like anything that is challenging, it is rewarding. I have helped for the first time potty train a child, teaching one to read, and learn how really please my wife. ( she likes when i clean?)
I think the thing that weirds me out the most is that some of the looks and questions I get from people when they find out my wife works and I am lazy bum who sits at his house eating cheetos and playing on facebook while watching soap operas. First, I would say to the men who give me those responses... try being a full time stay at home dad for two weeks with my ages of 5, 3 and 8 months old and get back to me! No really. I was Sergeant in the Marines and that was easier than running a household.
Jennifer Ludden writes a beautiful piece about the growing trend of stay at home dads and the growing networks and even play-date groups( I have yet to find one) that meet to talk about the life of being a stay at home dad. So here is some advice for both the stay at home dad and people who are not clued in.
FOR THE NEW STAY AT HOME DADS
- Change is challenging-STILL BE A MAN!
- Enjoy the Journey
- Discover something new about your child
- Be interactive-Don't just put on Disney Jr and ignore them while you nap.
- Take them out.... OFTEN!
For everyone else
- Don't give weird looks when you find out
- Do tell them it is awesome!
- Don't emasculate them
- Help them discover a community of ideas.... playdates... free kid activities... you know that stuff we don't know!
The Common misconceptions
10. He’s Sitting at Home Watching Sports All Day
Well,
there aren’t that many sports on during a week day, so watching plain
old TV can fill the role. But watching TV, unless it is getting a short
break from the toddler by tuning into PBS’s children’s programming, is
usually the last thing on your mind during a hectic day. You may get to
watch a late Sportscenter once the kids are in bed and the house is reorganized, but there are no guarantees.
9. His Spouse Would Rather Be Home
There
is a theme to misconceptions that at-home dads have to deal with, and
it is rife with gender stereotypes. This one is a reverse misconception.
Just as there are men who don’t necessarily want to be stuck in the
office all day and would rather take care of the kids, there are women
who want to advance their careers. There is no doubt that your wife
would like to spend more time with the kids. Your family talked long and
hard about this decision and concluded it would be the best situation.
It’s doubtful that during the process she said she didn’t want to be a
mom.
8. Men Would Rather Be in the Office
Most
stay-at-home dads can tell you they know a male friend, former
co-worker, acquaintance or family member who has told them they would
love to take care of the kids if they could. Careerbuilder.com releases
an annual survey of working dads that has found the number wishing they
could stay at home with the children was 50% in 2003, and the tally most
years has hovered around 40%. Most men in this role chose to be here
and wouldn’t want to give it up.
7. Men Don’t Stay at Home With the Children
True,
only 159,000 men are classified as full-time fathers according to the
2006 U.S. Census Bureau numbers. That’s compared with 5.6 million
full-time moms. But when you throw in the part-time at-home dads or
those who do most of the caring for the kids – they work at night and
watch the kids during the day, for example – the number of men as
primary caregivers is as high as 20%. Additionally, the number of men
staying at home has nearly tripled in the past decade and continues to
grow. Full-time dads are increasingly visible.
6. Men Can’t Watch the Kids as Well as Women
Unsolicited
advice is another common aspect stay-at-home dads deal with when out in
public with their kids. You handled that tantrum incorrectly, you
dressed them wrong, you shouldn’t be giving them that popcorn. Or how
about, “Those kids should be with their mother.” Because a man can’t
competently take care of a child? Moms surely get similar advice, and
there is no way to say who has to deal with it more. Either way, it’s
not a great feeling to be told you don’t know what you’re doing.
5. He Must Have Lost His Job
There
is no other reason a dad would want to take care of the kids other than
he was forced to, right? There is no question in these economic times
some men have taken on the role because they were laid off or their job
situation isn’t promising. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to stay
at home. Don’t be surprised if many more men used the economic climate
as the perfect excuse to spend more time with their children.
4. He Must be Looking for a Job
Again,
people have a hard time comprehending that a father would want to stay
at home. It is sometimes hard to find support for the decision or to
find the right response when finding out what a SAHD does. A lot of
people are set in their ways. They’ll tell you it is great what you are
doing and then ask how the job hunt is going or pass along employment
advertisements that your skills fit. Take it as a complement that they
are thinking about you
3. He Must Not Have Any Motivation
If
you’re staying home all day instead of at work, it must be you can’t
find something to do with your time or don’t want to. You’d rather sleep
until noon, roll out of bed and eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes, play some
video games and take a nap. Problem is, kids don’t sleep until noon and
if you’re lucky you get a bowl of cereal when they eat. In fact, on the
motivation front, SAHDs have to take the opposite approach. Being a
full-time caregiver requires a lot of determination and composure. It is
a job that doesn’t stop at 5 p.m. or for the weekend, and if you’re not
on your toes constantly with the kids, they will eat you alive. Not to
mention, you need to be motivated just to deal with these
misconceptions.
2. So, You’re Babysitting Today?
Every
stay-at-home dad has heard this. He probably heard it during the first
week while out running an errand. And he’s heard it many, many times
since. Yes, most kids are watched by women. But to automatically think
that a father, even one who doesn’t stay with the kids full time, would
only be with the children if he was babysitting shows how deep the
parenting stereotype is. This is a tough situation to respond to. Taking
the high road with a simple nod and a smile or a quick, “I watch them
every day,” is probably best. They’ll probably get the hint, and likely
will feel a little guilty about making the comment.
1. He Is Not Masculine
This
is the granddaddy of all stay-at-home misconceptions. Watching the kids
is a woman’s job. Men are supposed to be the breadwinners. You are not a
man. It’s enough to make anyone unsure. It’s easy to get beaten down by
this stereotype in what can already be an isolating role. A big defense
is to show you have a grasp on the important task of making sure the
kids are growing right is as important and rewarding of a job as any.
You are taking care of your family. Isn’t that fall under the umbrella
of what a man is supposed to do?
References
http://www.npr.org/2013/05/15/180300236/stay-at-home-dads-breadwinner-moms-and-making-it-all-work
http://stayathomedads.about.com/